Redwall - The Parody
by Red Velvet Fox
Summary: Whatever you do, DON'T CLICK ON THIS. If you do, you'll enter the world of Redwall that has been soaked in my mind-juices for hours (meaning this story has epic hilarity). It's not going to be pretty, so DON'T CLICK ON THIS. *is working on my reverse psychology* Laugh, cry, smash you're computer to bits... Whatever you decide to do, I'll know that you meant well!
1. Matthias Likes Dead Things, My Son

**I'd just like to say that by writing this parody I'm not in any way trying to degrade or insult Brian Jacques and his amazing works. I only did this for fun because I was feeling in a funny mood. ^^ Please do not judge my humor too harshly.**

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Chapter One

Matthias Likes Dead Things, My Son

Matthias was walking along carrying a basket full of hazelnuts when he tripped and bumped into someone.

"HEY WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU IDI-" Matthias looked into Father Abbot's startled gaze. "Oh, sorry Abbot Hazelnut, tripped under Father Basket Sandals carrying! I mean... Carry Sandals Basket-Abbot! Father Hazelnut under tripped, oh! I mean-"

"Shut up, my son," Father Abbot said peacefully.

"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.

Father Abbot shook his head and tsked. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. We need to talk, Matthias; badly, my son."

"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.

They walked inside. They stopped at a tapestry. They looked at it. Father Abbot turned to Matthias.

"What are you looking at, my son?" he asked.

"That picture of an eagle eating something dead, sir," Matthias answered.

Father Abbot slammed his paw over the mentally-disturbing picture. "I've been meaning to tear out that repulsive thing for months now, my son! Look away, my son!"

"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.

He closed his eyes.

The Father Abbot reached into his robes and pulled out a pair of school scissors. He snipped away at the cloth surrounding the horrible depiction and stuffed both the cloth and the scissors back into his robes.

"You may look now, my son."

"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.

He opened his eyes.

"Now what are you looking at, my son?"

"The hole in the tapestry where the eagle eating the dead thing used to be."

The Father Abbot frowned. This boy was so obsessed with dead things! It was absurd!

"Why don't you look at Martin, my son?"

"Martin? Who's Martin?"

Father Abbot gasped in shock. "You don't know who Martin is, my son?"

"Nope," said Matthias, staring at the hole in the tapestry.

"Martin was a mighty warrior who kicked butt! He kicked wildcat butt! He kicked rat butt! He kicked ferret, stoat, weasel, and fox butt! He even kicked MY butt! It hurt, my son!"

Matthias looked up, confused. "Martin is dead sir."

"Where on earth did you pick up this love of death, my son? It's unnatural! And yeah, Martin's dead. So, my son?"

"So-my-son how did he kick your butt?"

"In a dream, my son."

"Oh." And then, suddenly, Matthias jumped to his paws, an arm pointed up straight into the air. "I wanna kick butt like Martin!"

"Bad Matthias! Martin nearly died trying to kick wildcat butt so he decided to lead a boring, peaceful life instead 'cus he was a total. Wuss. My. Son."

Matthias felt ashamed. Then he fist pumped the air, once again happy. "Then I'll die kicking butt like Martin!"

"Why don't you forget this ever happened and catch a fish with Brother Mooralfus or-something-or-other. Run along now, my son!"

"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.

And then he ran away. Run TRIP run TRIP run TRIP.

Father Abbot smiled. Oh how he enjoyed watching that poor boy fall on his face.

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**Hopefully, you enjoyed this! I appreciate your reading this and I'd love it if you'd shoot me a review... But please! Not with a gun! Weapons are dangerous, you know!**

**The Red Velveteer**


	2. Cluny's Epic Eyepatch

**I love writing these. :'3 Please do not judge. I have judgephobia. It's terrible.**

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Chapter Two

Cluny's Epic Eyepatch

Cluny the Scourge was sitting in a hay cart that was being pulled by a horse.

"Neigh, neigh," the horse neighed wildly.

"Shut up," Cluny muttered.

Cluny began thinking about his eyepatch. He really liked it. It made him look dashing and handsome. He really wished he had a mirror. Cluny sighed and thought about the pike that had daintily torn out his eye. He remembered killing the pike. He remembered how everyone had been like, "Wow look at how daintily the pike took out his eye" and then Cluny remembered spitting handsomely at the ground and replying, "Yeah must've been an Eye-Tooth Fang-Only-Eye-Eats Tooth-Pike" and then everyone had commented him on being so smart and science-y.

"Why are you being so nostalgic?" the horse whinnied crazily.

"Shut up," Cluny muttered.

"Neigh, neigh."

And then the horse shut up.

Cluny spat at two rabbits.

Cluny was nearing!

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**Review! Review! *throws potato chips at you* And remember: no guns!**

**The Red Velveteer**


	3. A Fishy Feast

**Woo! Third chapter! By the way, I suggest reading chapter three of the book Redwall before reading this chapter, seeing as I tend to point out almost everything that happens in the chapters and it would be best if you refreshed your memory. ;3 Just a suggestion.**

**Thank you Nashog and ifeelmad for reviewing! It's much appreciated!**

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Chapter Three

A Fishy Feast

Candles burned. It was all too exciting!

* * *

A fish had been caught. A badger named Constance had carried it to Redwall.

"Hello," said the fish, clamped tightly in Constance's jaws.

Constance gasped in shock. "You're alive?"

"No," the fish said.

"You are," Constance argued.

"No I'm not, this is just your imagination," the fish said. Then he lay still.

"Oh, okay," said Constance.

Matthias and Brother Mooralfus stood beside the fish. A fat mouse waddled over to them. This took so much energy that he began to sweat. He then wiped his finger across the fish.

"Oh, slimy skin, boggling eyes, beautifully dead! This is perfect!" The mouse smiled, his dimples making him look like a prune. "I need wine! Wine so that I can be drunk when I cream this baby up!" And then the fat mouse waddled away.

"Yay it's perfect!" Matthias and Mooralfus cheered cheerily.

* * *

Creatures poured into Redwall.

An otter nudged Matthias. "I heard you caught a fish."

Matthias grinned up at her. "I like dead things."

The otter backed away slowly.

Matthias thought about baby mice. Then he saw woodlanders give the Abbot presents. Matthias thought about Christmas.

A squirrel gave Father Abbot socks made out of acorn. Otters gave him fish bones. Moles gave him a mossy bark tie.

"Erm thank you, my son," Father Abbot said as he tried on the rough socks and the scratchy tie. He ate the fish bones because he was starving.

The otters were sad.

Then a hedgehog gave Father Abbot a Nintendo DSi.

"OH MY GOD GIMME THAT, MY SON," Father Abbot screamed peacefully.

Father Abbot played on his Nintendo DSi for a while. Then he put it down.

"Fatty Hugo," he whispered loudly as the fat mouse waddled up to him. "Do we have enough food?"

"Lakes full, sir," Fatty Hugo replied.

"Wha' 'bout nuts?"

"Lakes full, sir."

"Cheese?"

"Lakes full, sir."

"Cheddar cheese?"

"Lakes full sir."

"Mozzarella cheese?"

"Lakes full sir."

"Calico jack cheese?"

"Lakes full sir."

"Provolone cheese?"

"Lakes full sir."

"Do we have a disco ball?"

"Lakes fu- I mean, yes sir."

"You disappoint me once again, Fatty. Run off now."

* * *

Otters dangled from a vine. A hedgehog did magic tricks. A kid had a shell stuck in his mouth. Luckily the hedgehog was able to get it out.

Then the Father Abbot began to make a speech.

"Fur and claws,

bloody paws,

That's disturbing,

shut your mouth."

"My son," everyone said.

Matthias stared at a young mouse named Cornflower. She had eyelashes that were so long, they served as a sombrero and she had pure-white teeth because she bleached her teeth everyday and her eyes were abnormally bright and her fur was rough and scratchy.

Matthias sighed dreamily. She was as beautiful as that dead fish...

Then Matthias realized he was staring at her and he began fiddling around with a kid.

* * *

Food was put on a table.

The fish was brought out.

Everyone oohed and ahed at the carcass.

Fatty Hugo cleared his throat and said, "I'd like to present my piece of resistance-"

"Shut up, Fatty!" someone screamed.

Everyone nodded.

"-dead fish on a trolley a la Redwall!" Fatty finished.

A piece of the fish was placed on Father Abbot's plate. He tasted it, chewing it like a prissy old lady. After a long time he let out a satisfied sigh and rolled his eyes up as his whiskers twitched. Finally his face returned to normal and he said,

"Oh my, I do believe I need my diaper changed, my son..."

There was a quick exchanging of clothespins.

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**I'd love it if you reviewed! *eats potato chip* Yum.**

**The Red Velveteer**


	4. Never Trust A Condiment With Your Life

**Wow, I'm bananas. I just have to keep these coming, don't I?**

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Chapter Four

Never Trust A Condiment With Your Life

Cluny was grumpy.

Why had the horse stopped moving? He asked the horse this question.

"Neigh, neigh," the horse neighed, panting heavily from sheer exhaustion.

"Ah," said Cluny. His eye slit. He bet he looked cool.

"Skullface," Cluny called.

Skullface popped up from the hay evilly, straw stuck up his nostrils.

"Were you calling me or something, Chief?"

"Yeah, dummy. C'm here." Cluny beckoned his minion over with his way-long tail evilly.

"Fetch me..." Cluny paused dramatically. "THE MIRROR!" Lightning struck a tree in the distance. The tree burned to ashes. Cluny cackled darkly.

Skullface darted back into the hay and returned with the mirror. He handed the mirror to his chief.

Cluny looked at himself. My was he handsome. Look at that patchy, ragged fur. Oh, was that a new scar he saw? If only the hay cart could be full of sexy lady rats and not full of these stupid, ugly guy rats. Cluny sighed angrily and threw the mirror down.

"Ask the horse to get a move on," Cluny ordered.

Skullface nodded. He jumped at the horse's rear end.

The rat's feet tickled the horse.

"Neigh, neigh," the horse giggled madly. Then he bucked.

Skullface flew through the air and landed heavily on the ground.

"Ouch," he said as the wheels of the cart ran over him.

He wasn't hurt, but his ketchup bottle was. Ketchup spilled everywhere.

"No, not my ketchup bottle," Skullface said.

Cluny laughed. "Serves you right. Tell the condiments Cluny sent you, Skullface!"

Skullface had a sad. He couldn't live without his ketchup bottle.

Skullface died.

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**Review taime. FREE GRANOLA BARS FOR ALL WHO REVIEW! Oh, and thank you for reviewing, Nashog and LittleSongWolf! Glad you guys are enjoying my parody! *hands you two granola bars***

**The Red Velveteer**


	5. Rats From Heaven

**I struggled a lot with this chapter. I think that's obvious.**

**Thanks to Nashog and RapmarkSkaup for reviewing! You'll get your rewards in the Author's Note at the bottom of this chapter.**

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Chapter Five

Rats From Heaven

Everyone's belts were slackers.

Father Abbot beckoned Fatty Hugo over.

"Hey, Fatty, fill a bag with chocolates and give it to Mrs. Churchmouse, my son."

"For her starving children, Father?"

"No, for herself, my son."

"What?"

"And don't tell John Churchmouse."

"Why not, Father?"

"Because I have a secret affair going on between Mrs. Churchmouse and myself and if John found out he'd kill me and I'd be dead, my son."

"Oh."

* * *

Cornflower batted her huge eyelashes at a sleeping Tim. "He looks so handsome when he sleeps!"

Matthias stared dreamily at Cornflower. "Yeah."

Colin Vole came over. "MARRIED COUPLE CRUMBLE MY BREAD!" he jeered.

Brother Mooralfus would not stand for insults. He fell down to make a point of this. "Hey, Colin, don't tease those two! Matthias is strong and awesome and Cornflower is weak and pretty! Just the other day I saw you playing with a bulrush! What was her name...?"

Colin blushed so bad his nose dried up. This meant he was sick. His forehead burned with fever.

Father Abbot ignored Colin and nodded at Matthias.

Matthias didn't see him.

Father Abbot nodded at him again.

Matthias didn't see him.

Father Abbot nodded at him again.

Matthias didn't see him.

"MATTHIAS, MY SON," the Abbot screamed.

Matthias didn't see him.

The Father Abbot threw a rock at Matthias's head.

Matthias didn't see him.

The Father Abbot started playing on his Nintendo DSi.

Matthias saw him.

The Father Abbot looked up from his game and nodded.

Matthias nodded back. He dropped Tess off of his lap and approached the Abbot.

"What's that game you're playing?" Matthias asked.

"Super Mouse Brothers. Hey, my son?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you run an errand for me? I was going to ask Brother Mooralfus or Brother Eddie to do this, but they're old and boring and weak. Why send them? So will you do it, my son?"

Matthias grew taller. "Anything for you, sir," he said, saluting.

"See the Churchmouse family, my son?"

"No."

"Say what, my son?"

"I said no."

"They're right over there, my son," the Abbot said, pointing.

"I don't see anything over there, sir," Matthias said uselessly.

"Ah, you must need contact lenses. Contact lenses are little thingies you put in your eyes to help you see. Here, I think I have some in my robes, my son..."

Father Abbot had a lot of things in his robes. It was really hard to find tiny contact lenses. He handed Matthias his school scissors and a piece of old gum. He rooted around some more.

"Aha! Here they are, my son!" he cried joyfully. He turned to Matthias and screamed. The young mouse had scissors sticking out of one eye and bubble gum plastered on the other.

"Matthias! Get those things off your eyes right now!"

"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.

He ripped the things out of his eyes. His eyes healed up.

He snatched up the contact lenses and put them on his eyes.

"See the Churchmouse family NOW, my son?" Father Abbot asked.

"Yeah."

"Drive a cart with them in it and have Constance pull it, my son."

"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting. "Constance is old and dumb. I'm smart and young! You can count on me, sir!"

Father Abbot smiled approvingly.

Matthias ran off. Run TRIP run TRIP run TRIP.

Father Abbot didn't know what an Almoner was. He was glad. He liked watching Matthias trip.

* * *

Cornflower and her parents lived nearby to the Churchmouse family. They came along as well.

The girls talked about boys and makeup. The babies talked about milk. Matthias sat next to Cornflower and talked about boys and makeup. The other men smoked.

Soon everyone was sleeping. Cornflower thought about summer.

Then everyone heard horse hooves and started panicking. Constance veered off the road and got the cart stuck in a bush. Everyone looked out a window.

A horse raced by.

"Neigh, neigh."

A hay cart full of rats was being pulled by the horse.

There was a big rat in back.

Everyone gasped in shock.

The horse and the hay cart disappeared into the mist.

"Those rats were from heaven."

"Yeah."

Everyone went back to the Abbey.

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**Please review! Tell me what you think!**

**This time around, all reviewers and followers are receiving cupcakes!**

**Nashog: You reviewed AND you followed, so you get TWO cupcakes.**

**RapmarkSkaup: You will receive a cupcake! With sprinkles!  
**


	6. The Hay Cart Goes Broke

**This will be the last we see of "horsie"...**

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Chapter Six

The Hay Cart Goes Broke

The horse had run into two gateposts.

"Neigh, neigh."

The cart smashed up. Cluny jumped before it did and landed on all fours like a cat.

"Meow," meowed Cluny.

Rats cried from beneath the broken hay cart.

Cluny spat handsomely at the ground. "Redtooth and Darkclaw! Come here this instant or I'll play sports with you!"

The two rats quickly scrambled out from the wreckage. No one wanted to play sports with Cluny. He was a sore loser.

Cluny saw them and whipped them with his tail.

"Report time!" Cluny snarled.

"Two guys are dead and someone lost a paw."

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

"YOU PATHETIC RATS WOULDN'T LAST AT SEA. Sea territory is tough! Sea territory is hard! Sea territory gives you a beating more fierce than anything!"

"I'd like to visit the sea someday," Redtooth remarked.

Cluny nodded his approval. "Good! You could use a rough life, you soft lazy rat! Now tell everyone to c'm here and listen to me or else I'll whip 'em!"

"Cluny will whip you," Darkclaw said.

Rats poured hurriedly out from the hay cart. Wormtail limped.

"I'm in Harry Potter!" he boasted.

"Shut up!" Cluny spat as he jumped up onto a gatepost.

Rats gathered beneath him.

"We are hopelessly lost in the middle of nowhere and we don't know if there's edible food nearby or worse badgers I hate those things so stubborn anyway I'm not-so-sorry to say that we have a problem here not knowing where we are and all," Cluny said without breathing. He nearly died. He gasped for breath.

"Look, a sign that says, 'St. Ninnies' Church'," Redtooth said, pointing.

"And who taught you to read?" Cluny said, spitting handsomely. "Meow," he added fearsomely.

"Fangburn, Cheesethief! Look for a better home to live in."

"Right," said Fangburn and Cheesethief.

"Frogblood, Scumnose! Smash up vermin dens and say 'please join Cluny's horde'."

"What if they say no, sir?"

"Throw cinnamon at them. That'll make 'em change their minds."

"Right," said Frogblood and Scumnose.

"Ragear, Mangefur! Look for food. And remember! No spaghetti! The noodles get stuck in my ears."

"Right," said Ragear and Mangefur.

"Redtooth, Darkclaw! Make weapons! You know, just whittle something out of iron railing spikes or straw from the hay cart. Hop to it!"

"Right," said Redtooth and Darkclaw.

"Everyone else can go inside."

"Right," said everyone else.

Cluny slit his eye evilly. His awesomeness was undeniable.

Cluny had arrived to Las Vegas!

He planned to visit all of the casinos.

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	7. The Council of Really Ancient People

**Ya-a-a-ay I'm back... YAY!**

**So yeah, I wrote a new chapter.  
**

**I got a few reviews from guests, and I'll be answering them here:  
**

**King's Critic-**

**Thanks for reviewing and thank you for your advice! Assuredly I only mention flirting (with Matthias and Cornflower) in small bits when I feel it's necessary. And the whole "Father Abbot has an affair with Mrs. Churchmouse" thing was simply a little joke that I conjured up to replace the real thing. I want to keep my story as romance-clean as possible. I hate fluff and love. XD**

**The Advisor-  
**

**^^ Glad you enjoyed my parody so much!**

**Well, whatever Matthias does (don't want to give spoilers so I'm playing dumb) let's just hope he doesn't take after old Uncle Tapestry-Eagle...**

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Chapter Seven

The Council of Really Ancient People

Matthias was staying up past his bedtime. He grinned at Cornflower. Ladies loved a bad boy.

The Abbot called everyone to Cavern Hall. Constance and Matthias were standing in front of the Council of Really Ancient People. Nobody dared to call them by their acronym.

There was so much muttering that Father Abbot called room service.

"Room service! Room service, my son!" he said as he rang a bell.

Everyone stared at him.

"There is no room service, Father," they said in unison.

"Oh," said the Abbot. "Anyway, Constance and Matthias said they have a report or something to make, my sons."

"How do you make a report or something?" an otter asked.

"Yeah," a vole said. "D'you have to cook it in an oven after stirring it well?"

A mouse spoke up. "What are the ingredients of a report?"

Matthias thought about what you need to make a report. "Honesty, courage, faith, bravery, and solemnness."

"Where do you find those?" the vole asked.

"How d'you catch honesty? In a butterfly net?" another otter asked.

"Ooh, I hope not. I haven't got one of those."

The Abbot looked angry. "ROOM SERVICE! ROOM SERVICE, MY SONS!" he screamed as he rang the bell.

Everyone went deaf.

"Oh Father, you've done it now! Now we can't hear you!" the another otter said.

Everyone booed at the Abbot.

Their ears healed.

Matthias and Constance told everyone they saw rats in a hay cart.

The Council of Really Ancient People talked.

"Rats? What species?" asked a clementine.

"What's a clementine doing in the Council of Really Ancient People?" everyone asked.

Nobody cared.

"Rats? What species?" asked the clementine again.

"I dunno, what d'you think I am, a biologist or something?" Matthias said angrily.

"What about you, Constance?" asked the Sister Clementine.

"My grandfather was friends with a sea rat. They used to play poker. The sea rat usually won because my grandfather was horrible at poker."

Everyone nodded. "It must be sea rats, because they were playing poker. And they were all winning."

"How many rats were there, my sons?" asked Father Abbot.

"Four," said Matthias.

"Yes, there were four," said Constance.

The Council of Really Ancient People came to a decision.

"The rats are not a threat."

"What?" said Matthias and Constance, astonished. "But there were so many!"

"Only four, my sons," the Abbot said.

"Oh, we miscounted. We forgot to add the other three hundred and ninety-six rats on the hay cart."

The Council of Really Ancient People came to a decision.

"The rats are not a threat."

"But they were evil!" Constance said.

"And one had an eyepatch!" Matthias added.

"It was Cluny the Scourge, then, my sons," said Father Abbot, shaking his head gloomily.

Everyone remembered what their mothers had said to them when they had been bad.

_Go to sleep or Cluny will rip out your fingernails!_

_Eat your dinner or Cluny will eat _you alive_!_

_Come in here this instant or Cluny will kill you!_

"Call Methuselah, my sons!" Father Abbot screamed.

Methuselah recorded things. He recorded the happenings of Redwall in books. He recorded the tales of traveling creatures like foxes that didn't seem to know where they were going, self-absorbed squirrels that went on and on about themselves, and hares that were even more self-absorbed than the squirrels. Yes, Methuselah was a grand old recorder; he recorded his favorite TV programs on his DVR.

Methuselah had a special case for his glasses. For some reason the near-sighted mouse didn't wear his glasses all the time. ...Oh well, he probably used contact lenses on occasion.

Methuselah put on the glasses.

Everyone leaned forward in anticipation.

Methuselah cleared his throat.

Everyone strained their ears.

Methuselah spoke with in a whisper because he was a crazy old man and could do that. "Hey Cedric, Cedric, good to see you, old chum. 'Member the time we threw apples at Constance? Ha ha ha, good old times. Hmm? What's that? Mortimer you say? Huh. Whatever. HMM HMM HMM. Let's see... wintertime, 696 B.C. yes..."

The old mouse flipped over pages extremely slowly.

The bell struck three A.M.

"I fixed a pinfeather on a bird. A mine was collapsed. Cluny was there. Everyone who owned the mine died. Unfortunately, Cluny was not the owner of the mine."

Methuselah closed the book. "I dunno why I brought this old thing. Don't need it! Piglets were eaten! Sickness and disease spread among livestock! A rat-caused cow stampede! The rats liked farms."

Methuselah blinked. "Idiots all of you, idiots idiots idiots."

The Council of Really Ancient People came to a decision.

"The rats are a threat."

Everyone screamed in panic.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE."

Matthias jumped to his paws and bellowed, "BE READY ALL OF YOU-U-U."

Father Abbot nodded appreciatively. "Thanks, my son, couldn't have said it better myself. Now, if you all are calmed down, I would like to play on my Nintendo DSi for a while and then take a nap, my sons."

* * *

**Sorry about the whole "acronym that spells a minor bad word" thing. XD It was originally "the Council of Really _Old _People, but when I realized that the acronym almost spelled a bad word, I couldn't help myself. Sorry...**

**And don't blame the whole "idiot" thing on me! Methuselah said it first!  
**

**Future chapters won't contain anymore bad words.**

**Wow, I'm really beating myself up about this. XD It's rated "T" for a reason, Red (great, now I'm talking to myself).**

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**Next Chapter's Prize: Chocolate-fudge Sundaes.  
**


	8. Cluny Yarghs

**Hello.**

* * *

Chapter Eight

Cluny Yarghs

Cluny was having a bad dream.

"Mommy," he whimpered.

* * *

Red. Everything was red. The mist was red. The sea was red. The cattle were red.

Cluny battled with the Eye-Tooth Fang-Only-Eye-Eats Tooth-Pike. He killed things. It was fun.

And then a ghost appeared.

Well, it wasn't really a ghost, Cluny soon realized. It was a small mouse.

Cluny hated mice. "Eek!" he shrieked, picking up his skirts as he began to run away.

He ran like a rat. An insane, big, ragged, violent rat. Because that's what he was.

Cluny laughed and ran faster, but this was hard to do and made breathing difficult. So he stopped laughing.

Cluny floated. Now he couldn't run.

"Darn," Cluny said.

The mouse came closer.

"I hate the way you dress," Cluny remarked to the mouse.

The mouse glared at him with coldness and grimness.

It wielded a sword.

"That sword," Cluny murmured dreamily. "It's so beautiful."

Cluny was in love.

The sword smiled at him.

Cluny began to sweat with joy. His lungs began to burst with love.

The sword came down at Cluny.

At first, Cluny just sat there, smiling up at the sword, thinking, _Doth she love me?_

But then he screamed as the now evilly-smirking sword fell upon his fragile neck.

"BONG BONG BONG," the bell screamed.

* * *

Cluny woke up.

He was scared.

"Mommy?" he called into the darkness.

"Yes, Cluny?" said Ragear and Mangefur. They hid behind each other. This was hard to do.

Cluny was angry when he saw the food.

"Spaghetti?" he screeched, rolling his eye in madness. A spaghetti noodle squirmed into his ear. "Auggh!" Cluny screeched again.

The he smiled.

Ragear and Mangefur smiled back.

Cluny whipped them, still smiling.

"Ow, ouch," the two rats said cheerfully.

Cluny frowned. "NO SPAGHETTI!" he bellowed.

"It was Ragear's idea! He said spaghetti was your favorite!" Mangefur squeaked, clearly frightened.

"Did not! This dope said that!" Ragear protested. "I told him not to get spaghetti, but nooo, we HAD to have spaghetti and red sauce for dinner tonight."

"And meatballs!" Mangefur added. "Don't forget the meatballs!"

Cluny whipped them away.

Frogblood and Scumnose said they had collected lots of new recruits. Plenty had been sprinkled with cinnamon. Cluny smiled evilly at that. Redtooth and Darkclaw had made many straw swords. This also made Cluny happy.

"Read the new recruits a fairytale, Redtooth, and then send them off to bed," Cluny ordered.

Redtooth stood in front of the new recruits. He cleared his throat and then began. "Once upon a time there was a rat named Cluny. He ate piglets and burned down farms and caused lots of sickness and death and he killed an Eye-Tooth Fang-Only-Eye-Eats Tooth-Pike and he caused a cow stampede and he collapsed a mine and he drove a hay cart. The end."

Everyone clapped.

"Now brush your teeth and go to bed," Redtooth said.

"But I don't want to brush my teeth," a ferret complained.

"Yeah," a rat added, "it's stupid."

"Not very warlike at all!" a stoat remarked.

"Yaaarrrgghhh!" Cluny snarled.

He whipped and lashed his tail about, slashing at the new recruits.

"Ooh, ow, oh, ouch, ow," the new recruits screamed.

Cluny laughed like an insane, big, ragged, violent rat. He rolled his eyes into the back of his head.

"Cool," said the stoat as he ran, trying to avoid being killed.

The new recruits were scared now. They promised they would be good Cluny recruits from now on. Cluny spared them.

There was much brushing of teeth after that.

* * *

**Thanks to LittleSongWolf and ferretWARLORD for reviewing! A chocolate fudge sundae for each of you! And an extra ****chocolate fudge sundae** for ferretWARLORD for reviewing two chapters.

**Free ****chocolate fudge sundae** for Symphonycat for favoriting my story.

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	9. The Nachos Are Fake

**I struggled with this chapter a lot. More than last time. Yay. Anyways, if you're not doing so already, I highly suggest you read a chapter from the Redwall book and then read a chapter from my parody (e.g. read Chapter One from the book Redwall and then read Matthias Likes Dead Things, My Son (a.k.a. Chapter One) from my Redwall Parody). Thank you!**

* * *

Chapter Nine

The Nachos Are Fake

The Father Abbot and Constance walked aimlessly about the Abbey grounds.

They looked at the vegetable patches. Many plants grew here, such as onions, cabbages, carrots, turnips, peas, sprouts, lettuce and marrows.

Father Abbot gasped in shock. "I didn't know we grew bone plants, my son."

"Bone plants?" asked Constance.

"Marrow is the inside of bone. And we grow marrows. It says so right here, my son," the Abbot said, pointing to a book listing all the plants that grew in the Abbey.

"Say, do we really grow bananas here?" Constance said in wonder as she scanned the book.

"Ooh, eggplants, my son! We grow eggplants!"

"Do eggplants grow chickens, Father?"

"And why would they do that, my son?"

"Well, someone needs to lay the eggs."

"Hm. Good point, my son."

They walked away.

They walked past a pond.

They walked through some berry bushes.

Berries littered the floor.

The Abbot and Constance stepped on them.

_"Squish, squish,_" said the berries.

Fruit hovered in Father Abbot's whiskers.

"You've got fruit in your whiskers, Father," Constance said.

"Where? Here, my son?"

"No, that's your ear."

"Here, my son?"

"A little to the left... No, go up... There! Now you've got it!"

Plums, apples, damsons, pears, quince and a grape vine fell onto the ground.

"Thanks, my son," said Father Abbot.

"Don't mention it."

There was a chestnut tree.

Father Abbot and Constance sat down.

There was silence.

"Constance, my son?"

"Yes?"

"When I die, can you name Martin's sword after my last two words?"

"But Father! The sword of Martin has been lost for centuries! It would take centuries more to find it!"

"Yes, yes, you're right. It was a silly idea. Sorry, my son."

Constance sniffed. Just that morning someone had broken her favorite Barbie™ doll.

"There there, Constance, my son. I'll buy you a new one when we go to Wal-Mart."

But Constance was still unhappy.

* * *

Matthias was eating breakfast.

"Yum, nachos and ice cream juice," he said.

He shifted uncomfortably with a mantle on his shoulders.

He stared at his nachos.

The cheese was a sickly orange.

The chips weren't even real.

The whole thing had "ARTIFICIAL" written all over it.

Matthias munched away on them.

"Eat heartily, Matthias, though I don't think that meal is very heart-friendly at all."

Matthias looked up.

He squinted.

He squinted some more.

Finally he saw Methuselah.

"Methuselah? Why are you here?" Matthias said.

"I stalk you, Matthias," the ancient mouse admitted.

He sat down.

He groaned.

He was just getting too old for this sort of thing.

"You've got a book on your face, Matthias."

Oh. So that's why he was having such a hard time seeing.

"Here?"

"No, higher."

"Here?"

"Higher."

"Here?"

"GOD MATTHIAS THAT'S YOUR ANKLE!"

"Oh. Here?"

"YES."

Matthias ripped the book off of his face.

The two mice sat in silence.

"Methuselah, do you think I made the right decision last night?" Matthias asked.

"Well, that depends. Are your nachos cold or warm?"

"Warm."

"Are they black or green?"

"Neither. They're orange."

"Are they hairy or shaven?"

"Hairy, I'm afraid."

"Are they smooth and crunchy or rough and chewy?"

"The former."

"You made the right decision, then," Methuselah said, tapping the table with a skeleton-like paw.

Matthias shuddered.

"I like dead things," Matthias said out of random.

Methuselah gasped in shock. "Martin did too! At least before he turned all peaceful and wussy. I must consult my books! Bye!"

The old mouse shuffled off very quickly.

The bell rang. BONG BONG BONG.

Matthias shrugged. It was probably nothing.

He continued to eat.

* * *

There was a rat at the gate.

"Help me, help me," he cried, limping as he lashed his cutlass about dangerously.

Brother George and his dog, Rufus, came out to confront the rat.

"Why are you here?" George asked.

"Bark," barked Rufus.

"I was traveling with some buddies in a hay cart an' it got overturned an' everyone got trapped 'cept me an' we need help so can you help us?" the rat said.

"How many rats were there?" asked George.

"Bark," barked Rufus.

The rat counted on his fingers for what seemed like hours.

"Four."

"Did you forget to add the other three hundred and ninety-six, by any chance?"

"Bark," barked Rufus.

"Yes, actually," the rat said, nodding.

"Drop your weapon, scum!"

"Bark!" barked Rufus.

"Yargh!" the rat said, charging Brother George, only to receive a bite on the bum from Rufus.

"Yow!" the rat said, holding his injured bum. He ran away, crying, as he texted Brother George.

"_Bloo," _said George's smartphone.

George took the phone out of his pocket. He went to his texts. He looked at the newest text:

"Just u wait, mice. There's a whole army of us at the church. When I tell Clammy how u treated me he will be mad like a mad bull. We'll be back, don't u know."

"Ha ha!" said Brother George. "Look! Auto correct corrected Cluny's name!"

"Bark, bark."

* * *

Mrs. Churchmouse was having a sad. "Oh John! They're in our house, John! Oh boo hoo hoo, dreadful rats, boo hoo hoo, John, booooo."

"There there," said John.

"Come, John! Let's attack those rats and get our dear little church back!" Mrs. Churchmouse said bravely.

"But honey! We'll get slaughtered by the rats!" John said as he gasped in shock.

"Oh, I didn't think of that..."

"Nevermind, you two wussypants', we've got a whole forest of creatures to save!" Matthias said, coming out of nowhere.

"Right!" said Constance. "Where's Beerbelly Joe? He'll tell everyone to go to Redwall Abbey and he won't get hurt in the process! See, he has lots of spines that protect him from the rats."

"Um, Beerbelly went out of town... All we have his is cousin twice removed... A fellow named Ambrose Spike," said Brother Mooralfus.

"Besides," a mouse chipped in, "spears and swords can 'arm a hedgehog. They're not immune to _everything _you know."

Constance sniffed.

"Let's mount a guard on the walls!" Matthias said. "That'll be fun!"

"Matthias!" the Sister Clementine scolded, "This is not the time for jokes!"

"Actually, my son, I think we could use a little fun. We shall mount a guard!" Father Abbot said.

Everyone was so surprised at this. They gasped in shock.

* * *

Everyone went to Redwall.

* * *

Matthias and Constance were up on the wall with the other lookouts, watching.

Matthias decided to make the other mice suffer in the heat. He ordered them to put up their hoods.

Constance's hackles began to prickle.

"Ooh, I think the back of my neck is starting to fall asleep," she moaned.

Matthias frowned. "Well that's a weird place to lose blood circulation."

"I know," Constance said, wincing.

The birds stopped singing.

The grasshoppers shut up.

BONG BONG BONG!

John Churchmouse was screaming incoherent words in the belfry.

"He's probably complaining about the bats again," Constance murmured to Matthias.

Matthias was about to nod when John's incomprehensible words suddenly rang out loud and clear.

"I can see it! I can see it! The ice cream truck is here!"

* * *

***cough* Yep. There you have it folks! And now for the rewards:**

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**********The Advisor: Thank you for reviewing! And lol, that IS very hard to do. XD Good to hear you're enjoying my parody! Aw, I should have done flossing and braces. X3 Oh well, suppose that could be a gag used in the future (with credit to you of course ;D). And yes, you may definitely have a chocolate fudge sundae!**

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**************SUPERTHORMONKEYS: Thank you very much! :3 Same, Redwall is one of my favorite books. c: I'm glad you like my parody! I'll be sure to update more frequently over the summer. C; And yes! You may have a cupcake.**

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